August 4, 2008 Atwater, OHIO

Cathy,

I know exactly what you are saying and feeling. When Mom and Dad stayed with me when Dad was bad before he passed, it was very hard. He was constantly running off and I had to go after him and he would sit down on peoples steps and pretend he couldn't hear me and hope I would go away because he wanted to go home to milk the cows or go to work at Goodyear. Always things from the past. It helped when I had a chance to call my brother or Den before I took off to find him and my mother wasn't any help because her cataracts were so bad she couldn't make out enough to leave the house on her own. Your mother is lucky to have you. It would be nice if your sister would take turns and keep her part of the time. Makes it easier and gives you a rest. Remember, the bible says "and this too shall pass". I wonder if there any groups that volunteers to sit with families to give caregivers a time off to relax or do things for themselves.

Den has to rest guite a lot during the day because he just gets pooped out easily too. He takes meds but they only do so much, and I am going to have to do something soon about my back.

We need to take a day off and visit. I am waiting to hear from Lil Denny to see what the visiting nurse says as to how he is doing today. Both he and Den have appointments tomorrow with their doctors.
Remember, I love you and most especially, God loves and he promised he would not give us more than we could take, just have to tell ourselves to be positive and get MAD and keep trying.

Love you, Marlene


--- On Friday, August 1, 2008, 11:42 PM
I'm glad you had such a wonderful day. It's so nice to have babies isn't it? Getting ready to hit the sack. I have slept on and off all day with a hurtful bum knee. Jaime is taking me to the doctors tomorrow. My legs look like Vi's use to. I need to lose weight desperately.

Marlene I stay so sad that I don't much like myself anymore. I think it is from being here FT with mom and seeing her get worse. I pray for God's strength to get me through. I truly feel I am doing his will. I let Mom's negativity pull me down and wear me out. I can't afford someone coming in and the visiting nurses find her to healthy physical wise to come in. I keep fighting my feelings and read scripture and e-mail when Mom is asleep. She feels ignored when I am on the computer.

I never wanted to be a nurse, felt I never had the patience, no pun intended hahaha. Fun to play at when you're a child but when you find all the responsibility to FT care and the sadness when they are so ill always fueled my depression and I have a very hard time processing those feelings.

I am having to cope with my own disabilities with these auto-immune disorders, they can lay me out flat in a second. No energy and just fall asleep, can hear things going on around me but can't pull myself to full consciousness. It's the weirdest feeling. So when I feel good I do my best to get things done.

Love you much, Cathy