Streetsboro, OH

Dear Family and Friends,

Please forgive that I am not sending individual e-mails or calling one on one, I am so stressed out right now and ask for your prayers.
It's Sunday. Jaime went to work and Mike picked up Kasey to go to church. I'm here trying to pull myself together and not succeeding . I'm nervous and jittering and not feeling well at all. Jaime and Kasey are moving this week-end. I will miss them terribly.
Yesterday I had to take Mom to St. Thomas Hospital in Akron. She lost 10 years in a snap. It is no good for her to be here with me anymore. She stares about the room and doesn't know where she is. She asks the same questions over and over and both of us stay in a depressed state. I am not the one to be looking out after her as much as I want to be the one. I hope I am making the right decisions. She needs to be with people her age in the same progression of Alzheimer's so she can have a quality of life. She could live another 12 years or so if she's like Alice and Rosa.We spent the whole day yesterday reliving Dad's death. I had to help her sort through funeral plans and I even took her to the cemetery to see his grave and she didn't register that it was 10 years ago. She wanted to know how they got him buried so fast. We cried and put flowers on all the graves and prayed the Lord's prayer. By the time we returned to the car and turned out of the cemetery Mother was talking about us being on our way to claim Dad's body at the hospital and asking if it would be sent home for his viewing or what. I felt horrible as I drove on realizing it would probably be the last time she and I were out for a ride together . The day was a beautiful chilly typical fall day. Leaves half on and off the trees. Mom commented how the leaves danced in the street as we drove along. We noted how the Ponderosa Steak house was closed. We enjoyed many meals there together and celebrated so many family milestones; another death knoll in my soul. What once was was no longer. My heart and soul are devastated. Mother sadly said Dad was gone, they're all gone, and she put her hands to her face and wept quietly. I knew how she felt and here I was taking her to the last leg of her journey to the hospital, holding back my feelings and being strong yet feeling like I was the dreaded grim reapers partner in crime. I feel shamefully weak yet asking God all the while ,"Am I doing the right thing? Am I doing what's best for Momma? Have I failed? " I think of her at the Garden's of Western Reserve when she was there and had liked Gordon so much and Carolyn and I decided I would quit work and stay home with Mom because they had wanted to put her in the advanced Alzheimer's unit and we cried then because we didn't want to face her slipping away from us and that she wasn't ready for it. I truly believe she wasn't and her funds wouldn't have been able to keep her there very long and they wouldn't give us anything in writing that she would be able to stay there as it was all private pay. No Medicaid. The change affected Mom again and we had a bad time adjusting, but we worked it out. Now, almost 2 years later, we are adjusting again and I truly feel she will be better in a nursing home with more structure, more light for these darker days of approaching winter,(she suffers from sundowners) and new friends in the same boat as Momma. She will feel more normal and hopefully more socially active and better structure than what I can give her. This all depends on the doctors findings over the next few days. So much is before me this next week that I will have to do alone. No job and possibly having to give this months social security check back looms in the soon near future. Carolyn came to the hospital yesterday after she got off work and thankfully I had her beside me. Jaime text messaged me for updates. I am utterly exhausted. I am hoping God will open doors for us. The possibilities are limitless and He knows our needs. My most urgent request that events are moving in His time frame and not my own. I earnestly want to do the right thing.

I love you all. I am going to try and keep ya'll updated.

A PS aside to Tara & Neall, I remember today is your Momma's birthday and I'm sending you all a heart full of love and loving remembrances. Big hugs for all of us okay?

I love you all and knew you would want to know the latest.



Love, Cathy